Tales of Tails
by SarcasticTraitor
Summary: Crack to test how dirty your mind is. Emmett Cullen and Leah Clearwater got together and a horrible misunderstanding occurrs when they talk about tails. Leah, of course, is talking about a wolf's tail while Emmett is...well, find out inside!
1. The Innocent Story

**Tales of Tails**

**[Crack] **To test how dirty your mind is. A horrible misunderstanding occurs when Emmett Cullen and Leah Clearwater decide to talk about tails. Leah is, of course, talking about a wolf's tail while Emmett is…oh, never mind.** This was inspired by Love Psychedelico, **who is one of the best authors on earth. She provided the original idea of _snakes_—thank you!

If you read this with a clean and innocent mind, it shouldn't be dirty (or funny!) at all. Anything unclean is from your own thoughts, you dirty Twilight fans! XD

I written anything in _ages_, so please excuse this crappy writing!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters or even the plots of this. I don't even own the 'tails.'** *Winks.***

**--**

It had been ages since Emmett saw Leah. Ever since Edward had married Bella and they moved from Forks, they hadn't been in touch with the Black family. Today, however, they had decided to get together.

"So, how are you?" asked Leah as the rest of the Cullens caught up on the recent news in Forks. Emmett yawned lazily and decided to try out a peanut butter and jam (or jelly, for you American readers) sandwich, even though he knew that it would make him ill.

"Great. Edward's just a little close to Bella—I doubt that they are ever going to stop kissing each other—but apart from that, everything is fine. We've been travelling to Europe and around, somewhere around London because Carlisle wanted to see England again. How about you guys?"

Leah shrugged. "I got a job as a ranger in Australia," she said. "It's not the best of jobs, but at least I get to be in the forest all day. But sometimes it's dangerous—you know, that other day, I nearly had my tail blasted off by a hunter."

Emmett choked. Leah continued brightly, seeming to take it as a compliment. "I know, eh? It would be disastrous if that happened. So I ran after him and tried to bite his head off…literally."

Emmett was still choking. "Your tail," he said hoarsely. Leah nodded, swelling with pride as she realized that for once, a Cullen was finally impressed.

"Yeah the tail is the most sensitive part of a wolf, you know!"

"Um…why did you change? Weren't you happy with yourself?" asked Emmett, quite shocked, but then, who knew what girls were thinking about these days? Being a werewolf didn't make them any different.

"Of course I wasn't happy with myself, dude. I let the hunter get away!" Leah frowned angrily. "And I changed because I was bored! There's nothing to do when you're just sitting there, doing nothing, so I decided that it would be fun!"

"Um…I see. So how's your tail?"

"Oh, it's fine. I had Jacob to tend it for me, you know. Jacob's really fun to be with, and he's the only one that really understands me. You know what I mean, don't you?"

Emmett nodded faintly. "Ah, I see. How did he tend to your tail?"

Leah frowned as she tried to remember. "First, he wrapped it up…"

By this time, Jacob had overheard their conversation and he waltzed over. "Yes!" he agreed. "That was a really rather big cut on such a thin place!"

Emmett, although he was a vampire, felt like fainting. "Um…it's nice to see that you have healthy relationship with each other."

Somehow, Edward began laughing at this point, but the three of them took no notice of him. "I know. But then, being stuck with each other every day is demanding. We work together, you know."

"Mm," said Emmett, trying to work reasonable explanations in his head.

"Jacob once set his tail on fire," said Leah. "I had to tend it for him. Of course, we like helping each other. I had to help him wash it and oil it every night before the hair finally grew back."

"Ouch," said Emmett, thinking about a tail on fire and the consequence…

"I know, it hurt so much," said Jacob. "Leah knew how to tend to it, though—she knew the correct way to massage it and—"

There was an ear splitting crash as Edward toppled into a tree, choking with laughter. Jacob gave him an annoyed and continued:

"And the water was just right for washing an injured tail, you know."

"I had a lot of experience," said Leah, blushing. "I mean, I had to tend to Seth's tail when Emily accidentally slammed the door on it. It swelled two times bigger than normal!"

Emmett winced. "Wow. Isn't that a really tender place to be hurt? How did he wear his trousers?"

"Don't be stupid, dude. He couldn't."

"So…how do you feel about these tail injuries, Jacob?"

"Well, they hurt a lot, of course. But it's sometimes fun when we try to bite them, you know—you can never seem to get it to your mouth. It always bounces back and you can never get a firm grip on it."

"Err…yes?"

"Oh, I've done it nine times so far!" said Leah. "It's actually quite easy for me because well, mine is particularly long!"

"Now, that's unusual," said Emmett, ignoring Alice's squeals of laughter for some reason. "But don't you feel uncomfortable about Jacob touching your tail? I mean, it _is_ quite an awkward place to touch…"

Leah looked slightly guilty. "Sometimes, because Jacob likes to pull on my tail for a joke—he thinks it's funny."

"Well, uh, maybe you have to be careful," said Emmett.

"We all have to be," agreed Leah. "I mean, Sam lost his tail, you know."

"How?" asked Emmett, perplexed.

"In a fight with a vampire…" said Jacob. "Emily was so sad…she cried over the place where it used to be."

"That's…very offensive, isn't it?"

"Of course it is!" said Jacob. "I mean, the tail is our _pride!_ We show it to each other all the time! It's part of greeting one another!"

"Well, um, how do you feel about showing your tails to another?"

"Happy, of course," said Jacob. "Like I said, it's our honor to stick our tails up in the air whenever we went out. Oh, I just remembered. You know, the hunter was actually selling tails at the local market, you know. I saw him there the next day, and that's why he wanted to cut yours off, Leah.

Emmett's eyes widened while Edward roared with laughter. "What? He sold tails?"

"I know! So rude and unsophisticated, isn't it?" Leah ranted on:

"And when I told him to stop, he asked me if I wanted one! And he said that not only it was cuddly, it made a great scarf!"

"Um…how long are these tails actually?"

Jacob frowned. "For normal wolves, it's only over a meter. We have longer ones, though," he said proudly, puffing out his chest. Edward had collapsed with laughter.

"And he even said that the tails were useless when we told him it was wrong!" insisted Leah.

"Of course…it's very useful, more useful than you can imagine…but didn't he know himself?"

"Oh, no," sneered Jacob. "How can such a retard have a tail? We could sniff it out that he couldn't possibly be one…but anyway; I've told Leah that she'd better take care of her tail. You don't see a tail like that every day."

"No, you don't," said Emmett, "But it's really wrong! It's so...disgusting!"

"It is!" said Jacob. "And he just _laughed_ at us when we said that...just because he doesn't have one himself!"

Emmett looked at them oddly. "Don't Australian people have tails?"

"Of course they don't," said Leah. "I mean, most don't. Like, the president of the USA doesn't have one, nor do any of the Hollywood movie stars or the scientists...not many people have tails, Emmett. Not even Einstein or Newton had one."

"They didn't?" asked Emmett, thoroughly surprised and astonished.

"No, of course they didn't. Come to think of it, if they did, why go to be scientists? They would just go and wrestle!"

"Why?"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Seriously. If they had tails, then they'd be strong!"

Emmett decided that he had to stop the conversation before things had gone out of hand:

"_I_ would never put _my_ tail in such danger," said Emmett. Both Jacob and Leah looked surprised.

"You have a tail?"

Emmett was offended:

"Of course I have one! Are you doubting me?"

"Prove it," said Leah deafeningly. "You never told us! Show us your tail!"

"But…"

"Oh, come on," said Jacob. "Don't be shy—we all have tails! Is it just because you're a vampire so you don't think you should have a tail? Does your tail get hurt often? Does Rosalie wash it for you if it gets hurt?"

"You really don't want to…"

"Of course we want to, Cullen! How can you have a tail?"

"All right, then, if you really insist…"

And so Emmett stood up and showed both Leah and Jacob his 'tail,' which, of course, was different to what they meant and were talking about the whole way through.

[End]

**No, don't flame me! If you read this and thought: "Just how dirty is that," your mind is **_**very**_** dirty! Don't flame me! This was written entirely for fun!**

**Spare me the reviews of **_Ew_** and **_Yuck_** and** _Disgusting**.**_** This was a really normal conversation about your favourite vampire and shape-changers - until you had to twist the truth.**

**Go on - hit the little green button. Even you, anonymous readers!**


	2. Explantions For Dummies

**Tales of Tails:**

**The Explanations**

**Just so that we don't get confused...**

**After the rather successful first chapter, there were many reviews of 'That was funny' (obviously from sicl-minded people) and 'What?' (obviously from pure-minded guys). Well, to make things clearer for all of you, let me sort all this out:**

**1. This story implies nothing and was a stolen idea from someone else's. It is NOT original. See 'Speaking of Snakes'.**

**2. As for what a tail really is, it is a tail. Simply a tail. Unless you're too pure-minded (like me) to be puzzled about why some people think it is so funny and entertaining.**

**3. Don't take this as a personal insult.**

**If you have more comments - you know what to do. Hit that little green button, and maybe I'll answer to it.**


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